TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of spot. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A further location where by American Gentlemen can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: present Anyone a set within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal Trump Tower Damascus involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he should really stop applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You understand, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Room, a aspect being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after getting the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Attributes


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD might have change-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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